Tommy and the Jolly Tars

In the 1920's and '30's, a group of performers called Tommy and the Jolly Tars performed regularly on the beach at Cleveleys, Lancashire. Inclement weather sometimes destroyed their scenery and piano.

The star was Tommy McGrath, who used to shout to the crowd, "Are we all here?" They apparently used to roar back, "Yes, we are".

What? I mean, what?

I can make no sense of such behaviour, but it makes the Fast Show's "Where's Me Washboard" seem normal.

If people look back on some of the stuff I have come out with in 80 years time, they might be equally baffled.

The Rich Are out of Control

When Britain's Labour government was elected in 1997, I was delighted. Since then, I have felt that something was wrong, but did not realise how bad it was.

I watched "The Trap. What Happened to Our Dreams of Freedom" on Channel 4 recently, and was struck by the statistics they quoted. In the last 10 years, the poorest 20% of the population have seen falls in their incomes, the middle 60% have seen small rises, but the top 1% are receiving about two and a half times what they were in 1997.

To add to the fun, social mobility has also decreased. Labour government?

In the 1970's it was widely believed that trade unions were out of control, so Margaret Thatcher was elected to sort them out.

We need someone to sort out the rich in the same way, to curb their bonuses, incentives, and pay rises, which are out of proportion to what they actually contribute.

Who this person might be, I have no idea.

And Tony Blair, Labour Government, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

My Head Has a Safety Valve

About three years ago, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Being an optimist, I thought that if I cut down on salt, it would clear up. Also, I thought, no symptoms, no problem. So I didn’t take any anti-hypertension drugs.

Then, in late October last year, I had a nosebleed, then several others, sometimes two or three times a day, sometimes every other day, over about three weeks. The penultimate nosebleed was so spectacular that my friends rushed me to A & E, where I vomited blood over the reception desk.

The cause of my nosebleeds was high blood pressure. I now take my drugs and my blood pressure is normal.

I am cursed with stupidity but blessed with at least one weak blood vessel high up in my nose.

If a blood vessel somewhere else had gone, like in my brain or my heart, I would now be disabled, or dead, or both.

My head is like a steam engine with a regulator, with blood substituting for steam.

Not everyone is so lucky. If you are ever diagnosed with hypertension, it would be a good idea to take the tablets.

The Great Global Warming Conspiracy

When the experts stopped warning us that the planet was about to freeze and told us it was about to overheat, I was sceptical. Eventually, I accepted that the World was on a warming trend, and that manmade CO2 emissions were responsible.

Then, last night, I watched "The Great Global Warming Conspiracy" on Channel 4 and belive that global warming is caused by the Sun, and not by CO2.

So we can ignore the unholy alliance of mad right wingers, hippies, lefties, sensationalist journalists and corrupt scientists and enjoy ourselves.

If I was not so mean with money, I would be turning up the central heating so I could sit around the house in my underwear, buying exotic foodstuffs from as far away as possible, and flying everywhere, even if it is just down to the shops.