Dancing with The Drummer's Wife

Going teetotal has not affected my enjoyment of going to the pub as much as I expected.

Last week, I sang five karaoke songs completely sober without any sort of nerves. The results can be heard at:

http://www.bandeoke.com/audio%20files.html

My nom de chanson is “Rocking Rob”. I also sang the uncredited “Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick”.

Pictures taken during the performance can be seen here:

http://www.bandeoke.com/toms160507.html

I’m the fool in the white shirt and glasses.

Last night, I went to see a talented local group at a pub. We were sitting at the same table as the drummer’s wife, who fell into conversation with one of my female friends. Eventually, when the band was packing up and a DJ was playing “The Twist”, she asked me if I knew how to twist. When I didn’t take the hint, she asked me to dance with her.

I was up there, dancing away without self-consciousness or fear, even when the drummer glanced at us.

The only real difference being sober made was that after a few songs, while the drummer’s wife and I were holding hands as we danced, I experienced a physiological reaction that I would almost certainly not have experienced if I had had a few pints. Hurrah for me at my age.

After the band and the drummer’s wife had gone, I made some humorous, rather lewd (but not disparaging) remarks to my friends, which I would have previously excused by my drunkenness. Not any more. Now my excuse is that I was in “drunk socialising” mode.

So I’ve done all that on soda water, had as much fun, and saved myself some money as well.

I have celebrated by buying some adequate speakers for my computer.

A New Teetotaller

I Am Now Teetotal

I have joined the merry band of Methodists, Muslims, health fanatics and recovering alcoholics who do not drink. Fear was the spur.

When I was told I had Barrett’s Oesophagus, I received a list of ways to reduce the chances of it causing cancer.

I looked up the survival rate of cancer of the oesophagus, and discovered that it is less than 10% after five years. Oh, how very annoying.

Not smoking, eating fruit and veg and so on were no problem. I can afford to shrink by seven or eight inches before I need to lose weight. But I need to drink little or no alcohol.

Drinking is probably at the root of the problem. I was a binge drinker. I used to go all week without a drink, then go mad at weekends. At one stage, I used to drink so much in an evening and early morning that I lost count.

My drinking has been more modest recently, but still too much. I know that if I drink the odd pint, the number of pints will start to creep up.

So the choice I face is live teetotaller or dead drunk.

Mine’s a soda water.

I Am Dropping to Bits

I have high blood pressure. I’ve had both my retinas lasered to stop them becoming detached. Now I discover that I have Barrett’s Oesophagus and divesticular disease. Lovely.

The obvious question arises: How does Barrett cope? But how rock and roll is divesticular disease? Not rock and roll at all. No romantic condition like drug addiction for me, but a disease that is just plain disgusting. Someone like Kate Moss will go out with a junkie, but I can’t see her going out with someone who has divesticular disease.

Worse yet, one of the ways to reduce the chances of Barrett’s Oesophagus becoming cancerous is to drink little or no alcohol. My social life revolves around alcohol. When I tried for a non-drinking social life by taking up amateur dramatics, I ended up boozing with the other thespians.

My main consolation is that I can sing karaoke sober, and have done so on many occasions.

Anaemic Man

My last post was a bit irascible, perhaps overly harsh on the pudgy.

Part of the explanation, along with old man’s rage, is that I am anaemic. One of the symptoms of anaemia is irritability.

My anaemia comes from gastrointestinal bleeding. Next month, I will be put into a stupor and have cameras shoved places where no camera truly belongs.

I made the error of looking up my condition and the possible remedies on the Internet. It gave my hypochondria a considerable boost.

I once wrote a poem called “Don’t Let Me Watch Horizon”. I should write another one called, “Don’t Let Me Look Up My Medical Condition on the Internet”.

Obese Pundits

On Breakfast TV this morning, an extremely fat woman was lecturing us about global warming and said she had given up flying. She was so obese that it would take twice the normal amount of fuel to lift her into the air. At least she is saving the airlines a bit of money.

She is one of those ecopuritans who would deny us the right to do anything pleasant or convenient, except, perhaps, stuff our faces with cream cakes and pork pies.

We don't need the advice of a great tub of lard who seems to be trying to reduce the level of carbon elsewhere by absorbing it all into her own body.

People who are stupid enough to become obese should realise that nobody will take what they have to say seriously.

Tommy and the Jolly Tars

In the 1920's and '30's, a group of performers called Tommy and the Jolly Tars performed regularly on the beach at Cleveleys, Lancashire. Inclement weather sometimes destroyed their scenery and piano.

The star was Tommy McGrath, who used to shout to the crowd, "Are we all here?" They apparently used to roar back, "Yes, we are".

What? I mean, what?

I can make no sense of such behaviour, but it makes the Fast Show's "Where's Me Washboard" seem normal.

If people look back on some of the stuff I have come out with in 80 years time, they might be equally baffled.

The Rich Are out of Control

When Britain's Labour government was elected in 1997, I was delighted. Since then, I have felt that something was wrong, but did not realise how bad it was.

I watched "The Trap. What Happened to Our Dreams of Freedom" on Channel 4 recently, and was struck by the statistics they quoted. In the last 10 years, the poorest 20% of the population have seen falls in their incomes, the middle 60% have seen small rises, but the top 1% are receiving about two and a half times what they were in 1997.

To add to the fun, social mobility has also decreased. Labour government?

In the 1970's it was widely believed that trade unions were out of control, so Margaret Thatcher was elected to sort them out.

We need someone to sort out the rich in the same way, to curb their bonuses, incentives, and pay rises, which are out of proportion to what they actually contribute.

Who this person might be, I have no idea.

And Tony Blair, Labour Government, you should be ashamed of yourselves.