I cannot seem to go to Accident and Emergency without putting on a show.
Last time, I vomited blood over the reception desk, this time I fainted on the way out.
I had gone in with a nosebleed, had it cauterised, then got up to go home rather sooner than I should have done.
Coloured spots crowded in from the edge of my vision, I heard someone say “Are you all right, mate?” and I lost the ability to operate my legs properly.
Several people were round me, and I found that I was on a trolley, angled so that the blood flowed to my head.
They took my blood pressure, which was 70 something over 40 something, which is pretty low.
They wheeled me up to the ear, nose and throat ward and kept me in for 24 hours bed rest. The full length surgical stockings they made me wear were very fetching, with an interesting marbled effect caused by my hairy legs.
My bed was near the nurses’ desk, so every change of shift I overheard the nurses telling the newcomers about Robert Muir, who had been cauterised and fainted on the way out. I don’t blame them for laughing.
Everyone involved and the hospital food were great. There was a free hour’s bedside television between 8 and 9 AM.
The biggest revelation was that they now use thermometers that they draw across the forehead and down the cheek to take a reading. How does that work? It makes me feel like I’m living in the 21st Century.
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