The Women’s Snowboarding Downhill Slapstick was particularly amusing. Small boys were pleased that a Swiss called “Nobs” was taking part and older boys were disquieted that Himmler was there as well.
The final four races were great, with competitors falling about all over the place. The sure-fire gold medallist won silver by showing off with a trick near the finishing line. Instead of gliding to victory, she had to get to her feet and watch a rival speed past. There could have been two more, but they had fallen over further up the course.
Well, if they were not crazy, they could not be snowboarders.
*
Panto Season Over (written 28 January 2006)
Cinderella has won Celebrity Big Brother, with Baron Hardup in second place, Buttons third, Principal Ordinary Boy fourth, Wicked Queen fifth and Daft American Bimbo sixth. The Giant, the Villain, the Good Fairy and the Ugly Sisters were eliminated before the final stage.
Big Brother combines the best of science documentary and pantomime. I have learned some anthropology and abnormal psychology from it, and been thoroughly entertained into the bargain.
I am looking forward to the summer season, and wondering what they can possibly do to top Celebrity Big Brother 2006.
*
Celebrity Big Brother 2006 (written 9 January 2006)
The funniest thing on television at the moment is Celeb. B.B. It’s been on for several days, so let’s see if I can remember the eleven inmates without looking them up:
George Galloway, MP, admirer of Saddam Hussein.
Michael Barrymore. Anyone who is still doing Frank Spencer impressions has severe problems.
Chantelle, the joke non-celebrity.
Maggot out of Goldie Looking Chain, of whom I had heard because they are funny.
A singer from the Ordinary Boys, of whom I had never heard. I thought he was another joke non-celebrity.
A six foot eight basketball player, Dennis Rodman.
An actress from Baywatch. Tanya something?
Rula Lenska. Good actress. Should stop smoking.
Page 3 stunna, Jodie Marsh, I think.
That’s nine and I’m struggling now. Two more.
Pete Burns. My poem, “Looking Good” could have been written for him, though it wasn’t.
Number eleven’s escaped me. (Eventually, oh, yeah, Faria out of the F. A.)
The celebrities themselves decided that the non-celebrity, Chantelle, was ninth most famous of the eleven of them. But this was because while George Galloway, MP, was shouting and arguing that Michael Barrymore was more famous than the Americans, Maggot went and stood at number 11 and was joined by the Ordinary Boy at number 10. Both genuine gentlemen, particularly Maggot.
They set a fine example to George Galloway, MP, of which he was probably completely oblivious.
*
Big Brother 2005.
Final Night.
The desire for fame was prominent as the failed contestants took advantage of their last chance to be noticed. The Cockney geezer capered and grinned along the catwalk like a lunatic, the Turkish boy came as a Las Vegas showgirl, and the pretty girl with the teeth shouted something about her porn site.
I am glad that the very straightforward Anthony won the thing, but also glad that the vagaries of the game allowed the more intellectually gifted but socially inept Eugene to make off with half the prize money.
*
Moral imbecility.
The Victorians used to put some of their unmarried mothers into insane asylums because they suffered from moral imbecility.
I used to believe that it was a condition they had made up, until I saw the antics of Kinga in the Big Brother house. Her illicit affair with the red wine bottle can hardly be explained any other way.
First impressions.
When Anthony entered the Big Brother house, he was a prancing fool, showing off with what he thought were seventies dance moves. He then told his fellow inmates that the security man was booed for trying to move him on. It was Anthony who was being booed, but he was too vain to realise it. What an idiot.
Vain, ignorant and shallow just about summed him up. But after nearly three months in the madhouse, he has come through as an example to us all. When the Cockney geezer and the Italian bloke were squaring up to assault each other, it was Anthony who physically kept them apart. He has put up with the gay hairdresser’s obsessive stalking with good-natured tolerance, although driven to exasperation by the hairdresser’s antics. His expression of horror while he watched Kinga with the red wine bottle made me laugh out loud.
There are worse things in the world to be than vain, ignorant and shallow. To come through the mental trial that is Big Brother looking like a decent human being is an achievement indeed.
*
Modern Art.
Since the invention of photograpy, fine art has really gone down the toilet, a playground for preposterous poseurs.
Here's a literary equivalent of the works of the likes of Tracy Emin or Damien Hurst:
lampoon tanh differentiate non-technical tour epigram server tanka discord underbrush cold wave publicity
That will be a million pounds, please.
The scary thing is that the words were picked with an attempt at randomness, but the more I look at them, the more they start looking as if they mean something.
*
Samuel Beckett.
I have just read that Max Wall had a special affinity for the plays of Samuel Beckett.
I must suffer from Samuel Beckett-blindness. His works appear to have no merit at all. I was once required to sit through two of his plays, one about an old man eating a banana, and another about an old woman being buried up to her neck. They were rubbish.
Some members of the audience were laughing, either because there was a joke going on which I didn't appreciate or they were mad.
Perhaps this is a mystery which will never be solved.
*
Chaplin and Wisdom.
Two comedians I can't see the point of: Charlie Chaplin and Norman Wisdom. Chaplin's Little Tramp was an arrogant, smarmy, vicious little git. Norman Wisdom is ingratiating.
"Don't Laugh at Me Cos I'm a Fool". Okay.
*
Franz Kafka.
Whe I was a student, I read "The Trial" and "The Castle" by Franz Kafka. These were supposed to be very deep, grim novels, so I was surprised to find parts of them very funny.
Years later, I heard some woman on a a BBC Radio 4 programme say that, according to witnesses, Kafka used to laugh while he was writing, and he thought his stuff was funny.
So I suppose I was right and the critics got it wrong?
*
Would I Lie to You?
Strange how tastes can change. When I first heard the song, "Would I Lie to You?" by Charles and Eddie, I could not stand to listen to it. After several years, I saw the joke.
The unsung reply is "Of course you would." I now enjoy the song, and smile when I hear it.
*
Going Through Changes.
When Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In and The Prisoner were first broadcast, I thought they were great, very funny and very entertaining respectively. My parents thought they were nonsense. Now Laugh-In just looks stupid and The Prisoner is interesting, but not great. The later Prisoner episodes look particularly ludicrous.
Similarly to what happens to most people, I am turning into my dad.
*
Olympic Closing Ceremony.
Athens could not produce a star of the magnitude of Sydney's Kylie Minogue, but it was good of the Greeks to let some of their old people have a go at singing.
*
Ally McBeal.
I watched the television programme, Ally McBeal, thinking it would be about a Scotsman and there might be beautiful Highland scenery, but discovered it was about an American skeleton.
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